Today I did Brunch With Martha! No, sadly, Martha did not invite me to her summer home for brunch and mimosas. So I had to settle for the next best thing by whipping up some Buttermilk Biscuits from page 201 of The South section of her American Cooking masterpiece and creating a brunch around it!

I made some bacon, poached eggs, and a spicy brown mustard gravy and sopped it all up with those tasty biscuits, then I washed it down with a nice glass of iced coffee. To be honest, I prefer the buttermilk biscuits I make with some yeast because they bake up bigger and fluffier, still, this recipe is mighty tasty and a whole lot quicker! They were flaky, soft and buttery and were the perfect compliment to the perfect brunch.

I’m really starting to enjoy living la vida Martha – it’s so civilized!

Happy Memorial Day! Yesterday, my fantastic journey into the deepest depths of true Marthahood was interrupted by a little something called “Dysfunctional Family Get Together Day” where I got together with my dysfunctional family and we functioned as badly as ever! It was a party that Martha would never approve of, so we will never speak of it again.

In my defense, I did make Martha’s Blueberry Crisp for the party and it was a dysfunctional family desert success! However, I didn’t have any opportunity to make any new recipes because I was not dropped off by my Uncle Robert until well into the wee hours of the morning…which wasn’t so bad considering that he was so drunk it was a miracle that we made it home alive at all…wait I’m still speaking about the party…please forgive me Martha.

Okay, so today I had just enough mental energy for oatmeal raisin cookies. But very yummy, chewy, and dense oatmeal raisin cookies! As you can see from the picture, I tried to jazz it up a bit by adding an ice cold saucer of milk in the middle (glasses are for chumps! dunk that cookie in a saucer!) and drizzling a bit of honey around the plate with some fresh nutmeg sprinkled in it. It’s fun to take a simple desert and turn it into something a little more fancy. And yes, it’s functional (unlike my family), because you can smear a little of the honey & nutmeg on your cookies before dunking them in the milk making them even more delicious!

We continue with our salute to All American cooking in honor of Memorial Weekend with a Strawberry Shortcake. I’ll admit I took liberties with the recipe, but hey, isn’t that what America is all about…liberty! Bad jokes aside, I did follow Martha’s shortcake recipe exactly as it appeared on page 63, but I kind of did my own thing with the strawberry part. I marinated the strawberries with sugar, a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg, some fresh ginger, a little lime juice and a splash of Grand Marnier for about an hour. Then I drained the juice, added a half a cup of Pinot Noir and reduced it to a syrup. Trust me, it may not be Martha’s way, but it’s a good thing!

Just look at that picture – Strawberry Shortcake, Marilyn Monroe and a Martha Stewart cookbook! It doesn’t get more iconic than that and when you add just a pinch of desperate fame whoring from me, it’s as American as apple pie…except it’s not an apple pie, it’s a strawberry shortcake…you get the idea…

Brownies! Chewy, gooey, rich, delicious brownies!!!! This recipe is on page 57 of the “All American” section of the book…I’m assuming that means that brownies aren’t specific to any one region of America. In fact everybody loves brownies, especially if you’re an American! Find someone who doesn’t like brownies and I’ll show you a Commie spy, or some secret Al Qaeda terrorist cell member who is just posing as a computer technician while plotting to rob us of our freedoms! I’m going to pass this info on to the CIA – looking for a terrorist? Well look no further than the person who claims not to like brownies, because they must be up to no good, I’ll tell ya, no good!

Wait, where was I? Oh right, brownies. I’ll let the picture speak for itself while you all envy me because I’m eating this right now and you’re not!

Tonight, the hubby and I celebrated our  15th anniversary in style by pretending that we were Elvis Presley and Ann Margaret at a super-groovy clambake in our own dining room!

This recipe is for Stovetop Clambake from page 96, the Northeast, and is meant to bring to mind a New England summer wherever you are in the world. I did make some modifications on this one. Jeff and I are both slightly allergic to crustaceans (he sneezes, I break into hives) so we need to take some antihistamine before indulging in something like this. That also means we can have lobster OR shrimp, but we’d be seriously tempting fate to have both in one meal…so I left out the shrimp! Also since I had no small red potatoes around, I opted to dice up a couple of russets. I did add a touch of hot sauce, some fresh rosemary and some key lime juice to the beer broth, but other than those things, I was very true to Martha’s recipe.

The results? Oooh baby, baby…nothing says “I love you” on your anniversary like lobster, mussels, clams, chorizo and potatoes in an exquisite buttery beer broth! I could have eaten out tonight, but I’m glad that we celebrated at home in true Marthaesque* style!

*if “Marthaesque” is not a word, it should be as I intend to keep using it quite frequently!

Today I traveled to the Southwest in Martha’s American Food Cook Book and made her Beer Battered Onion Rings (page 314). However I did it with my own twist, instead of making traditional onion rings, I made fried onions that I put over a salad with avocados and cucumbers, with my own creamy lime & sriracha dressing and topped with a few fried sage leaves.

The flavor profile was sublime! The cool cucumbers mixed with the creamy avocados and the crispy onions mingled perfectly with the spicy dressing and the touch of sage was just right. Being attached to my own batter recipe, it wasn’t easy to break out of the box and try a batter using buttermilk, but I was true to Martha and did it her way and the results paid off in spades! The buttermilk added a nice tang to the flavor and the result was both light and perfectly crispy.

Just two days in and I’m already feeling closer to Martha. Like she’s standing in my kitchen, whispering in my ear “Your pantry is a mess! You really ought to embrace organization because it’s a good thing!”

Day 1 of the Me n’ Martha Project, in which I set forth on a mission to cook my way through Martha Stewart’s American Cook Book. I am hereby requesting that when the movie is made the role of “Me” should be played by Molly Ringwald, who I believe is long due for a comeback, and the role of “Martha” should be played by Emma Thompson or Kate Winslet. Sure, they’re both Brits, but they can do the accent and no other working actresses could do Martha justice on screen. This may not be an original concept for a movie, but then again, what is? I’m sure it will be better than that Dukes of Hazard movie!

Today was Blueberry Crisp, from page 133 of the Northeast section. I paired it with blueberry ice cream and it was fabulous! This closeup picture doesn’t really do it justice, but a long shot was not an option because my lack of an attractive tablescape would make poor Martha cry.

On May 22nd, I started a little something I call The Me n’ Martha Project.  I will attempt to do a recipe every day from Martha Stewart’s cookbook Martha’s American Food: A collection of our nation’s most treasured dishes from coast to coast.

I started out posting these on my facebook page, which is why so many “days” are posting all at once, because today I’m on Day 13.  I’ve been learning a lot and trying new things, which is why I want to share my Martha adventures here on this blog.

So you might be asking “Hasn’t this been done before?  Aren’t you just copying another blogger’s idea?”  Well, yes and no.  Just as I’m often inspired by a great recipe, I’m also inspired by great ideas!  Sometimes with a recipe, I want to follow the blueprint step-by-step, and sometimes I want add my own flavor to the mix and come up with something new.  When it comes to writing, copying someone else “step-by-step” is more commonly known as plagiarism and that’s not cool, not cool at all!

Julie Powell had a great idea that became a best selling novel and a hit movie.  However, her style is more in the genre of what’s commonly (and perhaps, insultingly) known as “chick-lit.”  Julie and Julia:  My Year Of Cooking Dangerously, tells an intensely personal story about the author’s struggles to follow through on a mission that’s very important to her in the midst of dealing with a job and a life she’s not entirely satisfied with – and through Julia Child’s masterpiece, finds herself along the way.

The Me n’ Martha project is centered around the cooking because for me, the food is the thing.  In some ways, yes, it is about my life – but that’s because cooking is my life!  But I’m in my forties and I’ve been around the block many times and back again, and so I’ve long since found myself.  I just love cooking and I love Martha Stewart and that’s what this project is all about.

I chose this book because I find it unique and eclectic.  It’s the chance to take a road trip across America without leaving your kitchen.  Why Martha Stewart?  Because she’s an American Icon, but even more important, she’s a true master of the craft of cooking and a great teacher, and in my opinion the heiress apparent to Julia Child’s throne.  Just because I completed culinary school, it doesn’t mean I know everything there is to know about the art of cooking, in fact, there’s something new to learn everyday.  Martha Stewart is one helluva mentor and I’m lucky to have her, even if there’s a good chance we’ll never meet in person…through her recipes, I can let her into my life and my kitchen and I want to share that with all of you!  However, while I go into detail at times on the techniques I’m using to create Martha’s dishes, I won’t be sharing the recipes from the book, because they’re not mine to share.  I make a point of citing the section and page of the book I’m on with each recipe, and I strongly suggest if these meals make your mouth-water you invest in the book and follow along with me.  When I go off a little on my own and add my own twist to a recipe, I’m happy to share my own recipes with my readers.

So I hope you join me on this culinary journey while we explore our nation’s most treasured dishes, Martha-style…I think it will be a Good Thing!

Some idiot eats a hot pepper on camera.

Don’t try this at home. Or at work. Or on a space mission.

So on one of the Food Network’s innumerable competitions (Next Food Network Star, Chomped, Ironic Chef, etc.), someone like Alton Brown says “go!” and all the contenders start running for their ingredients or weapons or whatever they’re running for. They save at least 1.6 seconds, piling onto each other like frenzied shoppers at a Walmart sale right before the hurricane. My favorite is when someone goes into a full slide with a pan full of bubbling stock.

What’s the deal?

It’s the new food ethic. Doesn’t matter if you know a sweet red pepper from a habanero, doesn’t mean you can’t burn your dish to a nice little crisp. No, the important thing is that you do a Jesse Owens or a Jackie Joyner, and show your willingness to trample your neighbor into the floor. Now when I go into the kitchen for a ham sandwich, I run up to the refrigerator, slide to the door, and throw the ham onto the table. Then I take out my samurai sword, toss the meat into the air, and slice it to bits. Used to be that I’d get one awful hack per toss, but now I can get three cuts each time, enough for my sandwich.

I no longer waste time with frying pans. It’s quicker to hold the slices in my hands and thrust them directly into the flames. Since I’m a real man, I don’t mind the time in the hospital, and I love the extra flavor. This is good eats at its best.

Once I’ve recovered, I’m going to the zoo, open the warthog cage, and kill one with my bare hands. It’ll taste better that way. And so will I.