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Setting: MONICA and MOLLY are watching a video of MOLLY interviewing DANIELLE DEVILTAIL.
Molly
So, what do you think about Vic Vincent?
Danielle
Vic?
Molly
Right, Vic. Tell me about Vic Vincent? (MONICA stops tape)
Monica
What is there not to say about Vic Vincent!
Molly
Sshhh! (MONICA puts the tape back on)
Danielle
Vic?
Molly
Right, Vic. Tell me about Vic Vincent?
Danielle
Vic. Vic Vincent. Shit, what is there not to say about Vic Vincent! (MOLLY and MONICA look at each other) He’s the greatest guy in the world! (MONICA pauses tape again)
Monica
You have got to be kidding!
Molly
Will you please…
Monica
Yeah, yeah, I know. (MONICA puts tape back on)
Danielle
Shit, what is there not to say about Vic Vincent! He’s the greatest guy in the world! He made me what I am today.
Molly
Um, what do you mean?
Danielle
I was a stripper in this seedy club called Pussy Galore, I turned tricks for some pimp everyone called “Crazy Eddie” You know why they called him Crazy Eddie? (MONICA stops the tape)
Monica
Because his prices were INSANE?!
Molly
Monica!
Monica
Because he sold cheap merchandise?
Molly
Monica what the hell is wrong with you? Are you going to watch the interview or not?
Monica
I’m sorry, Molly. It’s just that we’ve got careers to pursue and this is just so … so primitive!
Molly
What’s that supposed to mean?
Monica
I mean, here we are, two hip, demographically desirable young white women …
Molly
Demographically desirable and white! I am impressed!
Monica
What I’m trying to say is that we should be out meeting important people, expanding our horizons, living life to the fullest. And here we are, hanging around with people named Brandi Goodhead and Danielle Deviltail! Like I’m a fucking extra in a James Bond movie for Christ sake!
Molly
This isn’t expanding our horizons?
Monica
These are supposed to be the years of our lives and I don’t want to waste a single moment!
Molly
The years of our lives? Where do you get these lines, “The Young and the Restless”?
Monica
And the way that horrible little man humiliated you the other day! Degraded you! It just tore me up inside! Really!
Molly
Oh did it? Ms. “Alan will get the notes for us!” You were having a grand old time until he insinuated that I might be …
Monica
I just don’t appreciate a disgusting, greasy, tasteless, male chauvinist pig questioning my intelligence!
Molly
Wait a minute. All he did was suggest …
Monica
… that you were the smart one? Dream on, scholarship girl! He was just manipulating your huge inferiority complex to get you to …
Molly
Fuck you, Monica!
Monica
Sorry, look, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded …
Molly
No, you meant that exactly the way it sounded!
Monica
I’m sorry, alright? You know I can be a total beeyoch when I get uptight and, well, this whole project! It just isn’t going the way I expected it to!
Molly
Hang on there, Monica. Just last week you were raving about how you wanted this more than you ever wanted anything! Why the sudden about face? Did it finally dawn on you that this little documentary wasn’t going to make us the toast of Sundance and Cannes? Now you want out? After you dragged me into all this? After what you put me through yesterday, now you want out? What I still haven’t figured out is why you ever wanted me in this project in the first place?
Monica
I needed you to do the interviews. You can talk to these people. I have nothing in common with them, but you, you could relate. After all, your mother …
Molly
My mother was a waitress, not a crack whore, madame toast of Sundance. You talk about her like that again, I’ll kick your ass clear across campus!
Monica
I didn’t mean …
Molly
… to call my mother a slut? No, not you. Well, maybe I can do these interviews because I treat people like human beings, not stepping stones to stardom. But I learned a whole lot yesterday. Not just about satisfaction. So get used to it. May be Vic Vincent sees me more clearly than you do. How’s that for an eye-opener?
Monica
I … I … (reaches out and touches Molly’s face, pulls her hand back quickly, embarrassed) Okay. But it’s not just that this drivel is going to make us the laughing stock of the whole film department! I really wanted to make a statement. I wanted to dig deep into the self-loathing of women who sell their bodies like they were cattle. I wanted to expose their hidden shame! But, Molly, this is turning into an unpaid promotion of slutdom! We’ll never live it down! Hey, are you really saying you want to keep going with this?
Molly
Well, I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense, I mean, I can’t say it in a way that would …
Monica
Oh my god! You’re serious. You do want to keep going, don’t you! I don’t get this at all.
Molly
Me neither. See, Monica, when I first got into this I thought I had all the answers about this porno stuff. All the right lines. Porn exploits women, etc., etc., and so on and so on.
Monica
All of which is true.
Molly
See, I get this feeling, when I do the interviews and know the camera is on me as well, then watching the videos afterwards. I can’t put it into intelligent words, but …
Monica
Right. You weren’t a pervert last week but now hanging around with perverts you’re starting to feel like a pervert too. The pervert Stockholm Syndrome, like hostages identifying with their terrorist captors. Clinically fascinating, but we’re not doing this for our psychology class.
Molly
These perverts, as you call them, they could be you or me!
Monica
Speak for yourself!
Molly
They are you and me. And they are what we’re not! (laughs). Get it? They are what we’re not?
Monica
Is this some banal liberation through sexual self-expression bullshit? What the hell are you talking about?
Molly
All the world’s a stage.
Monica
Look, now you’re talking crazy talk …
Molly
The camera never stops.
Monica
Molly, you’re getting really weird. Look, let’s just call it a day , throw in the towel. You can even say “I told you so!” How about it Molly?
Molly
No can do. I don’t want the camera to ever stop. Too late to turn back now.
Monica
It’s never too late!
Molly
Monica, you are going to sit down and shut up and we are going to watch this interview! Any questions? No? Good! (MOLLY stares MONICA down, puts tape back on)
Danielle
…turned tricks for some pimp everyone called “Crazy Eddie” You know why they called him Crazy Eddie?
Molly
Um, because he was crazy?
Danielle
That’s right! Crazier than two waltzing mice! Like some kind of Dr. Heckell and Mr. Jeckell type.
Molly
Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde.
Danielle
Right. Two different guys. Sometimes he could be the sweetest guy you’d ever want to meet. And charming? Forget it! That guy could charm the panties off a nun! But when he was mad he turned into another guy. A mean guy. That’s why we called him Crazy Eddie. Cause that Eddie was one crazy motherfucker!
Molly
Could you say more?
Danielle
I don’t need to spell it out for you. You know, the shit that pimps do when they think their girls are getting out of line. Everything you’ve read or seen in the movies, it’s all true and worse.
Molly
I guess you don’t like to talk about it.
Danielle
I used to be in psychotherapy for a while, once I had a little money. But they was always tryin’ to get me to talk about being abused and stuff, tryin’ to pry it out of me, like it was some kinda molar or somethin’. I’m not about pain, I’m about pleasure.
Molly
Sometimes things are painful. It sounds like you’ve had a very hard life. I’m sorry.
Danielle
Oh, don’t be such a bleeding heart. That’s just life. Some parts suck, some feel real good.
Molly
Uh, okay. Let’s try again. Vic Vincent. Uh, how did you meet him?
Danielle
I met Vic when I was dancin’.
Molly
You were a professional dancer?
Danielle
I was a dancer. (does a pelvic thrust) Not no pry-ma ballerina, if you know what I mean. More like modern dance. Yeah, modern dance. Only naked.
Molly
Oh! You were a stripper.
Danielle
Can’t get nuthin’ past you college kids, can I? So one night I’m doin’ my sets and I’m real zonked, cause I’m workin’ every night, strippin’ and hookin’ and Eddie, he’s takin’ all my money and all I’d get for it was some rocks.
Molly
Rocks?
Danielle
Yeah, free base cocaine, crack.
Molly
Oh, crack.
Danielle
Yeah, so I’m getting high all day and I’m never sleepin’ and on that particular night I’m about ready to drop. So I’m up there just goin’ through the motions. Shakin’ my ass, shakin’ my titties, and those guys who came to the club was there to see some pussy, you know, nothin’ too creative. They’d sit in the front row, with their jaws just hangin’ open, like they ain’t never seen pussy before. Night after night, same guys.
Molly
You mean they were the same men who would come to the club every night?
Danielle
Who knows? They all was the same guy to me. So that fateful night, Vic and his girls come and sit right up front and when I come on they start hootin’ and hollerin’ and makin’ a big old fuss. And I’m thinkin’ “What the fuck is goin’ on here? I really suck tonight!” You’ve heard of sleep walkin’, well I was sleep dancin’! But every time I come back on they go crazy. They’re puttin’ bills in my G-string, like 20s and 50s not the usual 5s and 10s. And then the damnedest thing happened.
Molly
What happened?
Danielle
I start dancin’ real good. It was like I was someone else.
Molly
What do you mean? Someone else?
Danielle
It means I was dogshit tired, but I started dancin’ like my batteries were completely charged. I felt — this’ll sound weird, I know — but I felt sexy for the first time in my life. Really sexy.
Molly
And when you were working as a prostitute and an exotic dancer you didn’t feel sexy?
Danielle
Nah. Getting fucked isn’t the same as sexy. Even getting fucked by some of my girlfriends.
Molly
Are you a lesbian?
Danielle
Since I was seven.
Molly
You had lesbian experiences when you were seven years old?
Danielle
I didn’t, but my Barbie dolls did. They’d get Ken to buy them a convertible and then they’d ride off and have sex with each other.
Molly
Oh.
Danielle
Yeah. Anyway, here’s the funniest part of the whole story. Now, I didn’t find this out until way later, okay? It turns out Vic had made a bet with the girls that he could find the worst dancer in the worst low-life joint in town and make her a star. Can you believe that shit?
Molly
You must have felt so used!
Danielle
Fuck no! The next day I was in front of a camera and I’ve never looked back. All thanks to Vic Vincent. To him, I’ve always been a star, and I love that little pervert!
Molly
What happened to Eddie?
Danielle
What about Eddie?
Molly
He didn’t just let you leave him without a struggle, did he?
Danielle
Let’s just say that Vic Vincent takes care of his people.
Molly
What’s that supposed to mean?
Danielle
It means that Eddie kinda dropped out of sight. Permanent-like. End of story.
Molly
Uh, I love happy endings. … Right … Tell me, Danielle, were you sexually abused as a child?
Danielle
Here goes the social worker bullshit! Sorry, but I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that you’ll use my answer, whatever it is, to psycho analyze me. And like I was tellin’ you before, I don’t like being psycho analyzed. My turn. Mind if I ask you a question?
Molly
Uh, well, go ahead.
Danielle
What the hell happened to you to make you so uptight about sex?
Molly
Uptight about sex? That’s ridiculous. I don’t know why you’d say something like that?
Danielle
Have you ever fucked?
Molly
I don’t think that’s any of your …
Danielle
Pretend I’m asking in the name of science. Ever sucked a dick?
Molly
I can’t believe that you’re…
Danielle
And my scientific psycho-analytic analysis tells me (puts her hands on Molly’s head, like a fortune-teller) you’re either a repressed lesbian or you’re too uptight to even take your clothes off in front of anyone, let alone fuck. Probably both.
Molly
Oh sure, psychoanalyzing is okay for you to do!
Danielle
Can I do a makeover on you?
Molly
A makeover?
Danielle
Yeah, I give great makeovers! I’d like to make you up to look real sexy. Then when you see how hot you look, you’ll go out there and find yourself a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or maybe a girlfriend AND a boyfriend, and you’re gonna get laid. C’mon, you’ll love it! I like you kiddo. True, you’re a pain in the ass, but I like you. Let me help you out.
Molly
Wait a minute, this is an interview, and …
Danielle
This is whatever we make it to be. Is somebody out there gonna fire you? Naah. So come on! Don’t be such a tight ass!
Molly
Okay. I mean, well, Monica’s gonna … oh, what the hell? I guess it could be interesting.
Danielle
Come on, turn off the camera and lets go.
Molly walks off-camera. The video jumps to Danielle looking off-camera.
Danielle
You look gorgeous! (She leans forward and stares close into the camera) She is HOT! HOT! HOT! Oh baby, come on and show off for the camera!
Molly
I don’t think I can!
Danielle
Molly! (She grabs MOLLY’s hand, pulls her in front of the camera. MOLLY puts her hand over her face, giggling.) Come on, look at the camera! Tell us if blondes really do have more fun!
MOLLY is dressed in a tight leather mini dress. She is wearing heavy makeup and a Dolly Parton type blonde wig. Danielle turns the camera on her.
Molly
I feel so silly!
Danielle
Come on! Look sexy for the camera like I showed you! Do Marilyn!
Molly
No! I can’t!
Danielle
You were doing her fine before! (She turns the camera towards herself again and talks directly to the lens) She does a great Marilyn Monroe, doing her “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” number. Come on and do it for the camera. You care, baby, but the camera doesn’t care. The camera never stops and the camera never cares. Do your Marilyn!
Molly turns off the tape. Monica grabs the control from her hand and turns it back on.
Molly (on camera)
Okay, okay. (She starts to sing in her best Marilyn Monroe breathy, little girl voice). Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday Mr. Pres-i-dent! Happy Birth…
MOLLY grabs the control back and turns off the tape again.
Molly
I, uh, think we’ve seen enough for now.
Monica
But you didn’t finish your number, Marilyn. (is laughing hard)
Molly
So, what did you think?
Monica
Blonde is a whole new look. But Vic Vincent is no gentleman!
Molly
That’s not what I mean! What do you think of the interview?
Monica
(still laughing) Well, I do have one burning question.
Molly
And that is?
Monica
(mock snooty voice, nose in the air) Exactly how crazy are two waltzing mice?
Molly
Shall we dance?
The clacking of a projector can be heard. Lights fade.
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