| previous scene |
Vic Vincent’s studio, with Vic, Molly and Monica, and his crew (Frankie the Keener Wiener, Danielle Deviltail, Brandi Goodhead, Carmen Banana, and Sandy on camera.). Sound of projector. Two figures speaking in the dark.
Molly (Danielle)
Monica, I’m scared.
Monica (Brandi)
Me too, Molly. But we’re carrying the standard for something much bigger than our two little selves. We’re fighting for, we’re fighting … for freedom!
Molly (Danielle)
I know that. But what will that freedom mean if the crazed assassin the Mothers Against Degeneracy have sent to kill us actually cuts our nubile young throats.
Monica (Brandi)
Should we fall, a thousand will rise up to take our place, the call will go out …
Molly (Danielle)
The call will go out that further resistance is hopeless.
Monica (Brandi)
But if we run, the call will still go out — that resistance is hopeless.
Molly (Danielle)
Then we have to fight, dammit! We have to fight! (sobbing is heard in the background, rising and falling) Uh … then we have to fight, dammit! We have to fight!
Assassin (Frankie)
Nyah ha ha! I’ve got you wenches now! (background sobbing becomes quite loud)
Vic
Cut! Cut! (lights on, camera cuts to Monica and Molly off-camera) Hey, what’s with you two anyway?
Molly
(tearfully) I mean, we could look right out our window and see the blood and the chalk line and cops all over and …
Monica
Right outside our dorm room. They say it was Johnny Smathers, some guy on the football team.
Vic
When?
Molly
One of the women in our dorm went out for her morning jogging at five a.m. and … Sally says she found him with … with … with his throat cut. She said that, that …
Vic
(deadpan) Oh. You want some scotch?
Monica
Not right now. Maybe later. I’m numb enough right now already.
Molly
I’m afraid. If I can’t even walk out of my dorm without thinking …
Vic
You’re safe.
Molly
With murderers running around and …
Vic
You’re safe.
Molly
But the killer could be …
Vic
You’re safe. I said you’re safe, you’re safe, dammit. Ask any of the wenches. I look out for my people and you’re my people. End of story.
Monica
But if …
Molly
We’re your people?
Vic
I forget that the college-educated have special learning disabilities.
Monica
Hey!
Vic
Look. Did you stop to wonder for just two seconds what poor Johnny Smathers was doing outside your dorm window at five in the morning? I say you’re safe, you’re safe. C’mon, now. We gotta get back to work. (shouts) All right, gang, party’s over!
Molly & Monica
(look at each other, then back at Vic) Oh …
Monica
(stage whisper) Molly! … Vic! Did he … he … Did he …
Molly
(sternly, with a hiss) As a great documentarian once said … Just. Lie. Back. And enjoy it. (Monica stares at Molly, then nods)
Vic
Stations! Look, I know all this is weird, but we’re gonna pull it off. Shut up, Frankie!
Frankie
I didn’t say …
Vic
You were gonna. Now c’mon. That last scene just stunk. Brandi, nobody’s gonna believe you’re some stuck-up college student.
Monica
Hey!
Vic
So you’re playing Monica, you gotta try to sound like Monica. Carmen, quit jiggling your goddamned tits. Just ’cuz you’re naked doesn’t mean you have to act like you’re naked.
Carmen
But I am naked!
Vic
Of course, but that’s not your defining characteristic.
Carmen
Huh?
Vic
Not your …it’s not … Fuck fuck fuck! Look, I haven’t done this before, either. It’s not everything you are.
Monica
And Brandi, speaking as a, quote, stuck-up college student, unquote, former, I might add, you’ve gotta become me. You are me. You’re Monica. You’re this whatever college student doing this godawful documentary …
Molly
Not that godawful …
Monica
Whatever, and sinister forces are trying to kill you. Get it? You’re not looking to have sexual intercourse …
Brandi
Is that like fucked?
Monica
Yeah, that’s like fucked. You’re not looking to get fucked, you’re looking to get through the day alive. You’ve got to feel the part. Now, this fiendish assassin …
Frankie
(big smile) Hey, that’s me!
Monica
… this fiendish assassin wants to kill you and get your prints …
Vic
And Sandy, you’ve gotta get with the program. You don’t zoom in on her pussy like it’s rated X, and quit fucking with the lighting. They’re not in the dark because it’s sexy, they’re in the dark because it creates a dramatic mood. So quit playing camera games with her pussy like you’re trying to squeeze an R rating out of the MPAA. It’s just there. For chrissake, if some naked broad was coming at you with a machete and staring at your cock, would you be looking at her pussy or would you be looking at the machete? Get it? (Sandy nods, looks at his crotch nervously)
Frankie
I don’t get it.
Vic
You will in the final scene. C’mon, crew, let’s give it another try. Cut the lights! Brandi, pick it up at “for freedom.” Action!
Monica (Brandi)
For freedom!
Molly (Danielle)
I know that. But what will that freedom mean if the crazed assassin the Mothers Against Degeneracy have sent to kill us actually cuts our nubile young throats.
Monica (Brandi)
Should we fall, a thousand will rise up to take our place, the call will go out …
Molly (Danielle)
The call will go out that further resistance is hopeless. Oh, Vic, this is hopeless. I can’t …
Vic
Cuuuuuuuut! C’mon, Danielle. This is your big heroic scene. What’s your goddamn problem?
Danielle
I can’t act! I fuck real good, but I can’t act.
Vic
For Chrissake!
Molly
Vic, might I intercede? Danielle. Take it easy. I mean, once upon a time, you couldn’t dance. Remember? But you danced your heart out, and now you’re a star. You are an actress. Right?
Danielle
Riiiiight … but this is different, and you know it. I play a woman getting fucked, well, I am a woman getting fucked. On screen and off. Figuratively and fuck-fucked. I just gotta worry about where the camera is and keep looking crazed with lust. But I’ve never fought to the death with a crazed assassin …
Frankie
That’s me!
Danielle
… and not doing any fucking at all.
Frankie
And I don’t even get to do my world-famous Wiener Dance!
Vic
Listen, Frankie, if we let you do your Weiner Dance with the Dean of Women, will you shut the fuck up?
Frankie
That ugly old hag?
Carmen
I resent that!
Frankie
I guess I can make the sacrifice for the sake of my art.
Vic
Thank you, your wienership.
Brandi
And why do we start out naked? Half the fun is taking if off!
Carmen
And that ugly outfit you’re making me wear! Can’t the Dean of Women be a pretty villain?
Danielle
And I can’t relate …
Vic
Relate schmate. Try thinking about fighting to the death with your last boyfriend … (turns to Molly) I don’t know about this. I’ve seen better from singing turnips in the third grade.
Scene lapses into everyone talking at once, making no sense.
Monica
(she has grabbed the Scotch bottle, taken a giant swig, now kicks over a chair, takes out a stage pistol and fires a shot into the air) Don’t you get it? You’re all fucking big-time! Fucking with the rules. Fucking with the system. Fucking with all that’s holy. You think this movie is weird? You have no idea how weird it is. So the movie starts with the big fuck scene, we don’t end up with it. No big build-up. The nuns and billy goats all get it off in the first five minutes. That’s seriously breaking the rules. Where do you go from there? Well, we’ll find out. Sandy, you want to zoom in on tits and pussies. That’s your rules. On Gilligan’s Island they couldn’t show Marianne’s belly button for more than two seconds at a time. That was their rules. Know what? They’re the same rules!
Molly
God, Monica, have you caught the pervert Stockholm Syndrome too?
Monica
Fucking A right! Look, Moll, we can’t beat ’em with production values. We can’t beat ’em with classy actors, no offense gang. We can’t beat ’em with special effects. But we can beat ’em with weird.
Brandi
That’s not the same rules! Marianne never got naked!
Monica
Same rules. They’re figuring out how to show Marianne’s sweet little belly button. They’re figuring out how to show Danielle’s hairy snatch. That’s the focus. The difference is just details.
Vic
Some details.
Molly
Vic, read your own book. Context. Point system. We’re, uh, fucking with the point system. They’re naked but nobody cares. Look, I get naked …
Carmen
You? I don’t believe it.
Molly
Funny girl. I get naked when I get in the shower. Right? Do I cup my tits with my hands and let my tongue out in lurid anticipation? No.
Monica
Well, sometimes you do.
Molly
You’re a funny girl too. No. In fact, most days I don’t even think about how naked I was.
Frankie
Now you’ve got me thinking …
Monica
Shut up or we’ll have your wiener playing Louis the Sixteenth. (blank stare from Frankie) France, 1789?
Frankie
Didn’t he get … oh! Oh!
Molly
In the scene, you two aren’t thinking about how naked you are. You’re thinking that somebody is coming to kill you. Get it?
Carmen
We’ve been on stage before …
Molly
Then what’s so hard …
Carmen
And I’ve seen better scripts.
Monica
On stage before? Like not porn stage?
Carmen
High school. (dramatically) Speak the speech, I pray you, not as we pronounced it to you, tripping all over our tongues. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently; for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say, the whirlwind of passion, dig it, whirlwind of passion?
Monica
Well damn!
Carmen
Lewd stuff. O, it offends me to the soul — oh yes, to the soul — to hear a robustious periwig-pated whatever the fuck is a periwig fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings. You know, I’ve always wondered about groundlings, is they like earthlings, like take me to your leader, puny earthlings?
Molly
Okay, okay, I’m impressed. So what’s so hard?
Danielle
Knowing we’re going to fail. That we’re lousy porn actors and this will never sell and they’ll only laugh at us like we were, yeah, like we were singing turnips.
Molly
But if you really …
Carmen
We’ve come this far because we believe in Vic, okay? He takes care of his people. That’s for real. But no bullshit now! You and Monica are a couple of nice enough gals, okay. But you come in here with your fancy documentary …
Brandi
… and we’re just little frogs under your microscope (Danielle is nodding emphatically) with your fancy talk and prissy airs …
Carmen
… And you’ve just turned our world upside down. I mean, we may be nobodies, but we’re not stupid. We had a decent gig and you’re fucking with that, too. Right? (pause, Monica and Molly each nod) So tell me, mighty freedom fighters, just what are the odds of this working out big-time? No bullshit now, cause we’ll see it in your eyes. Sandy, put the camera on her, don’t let her out of your sights. Roll ’em, Sandy. (Sandy rolls ’em) So what’s the odds? Just tell us.
Monica
Not good. Not big time, anyway.
Carmen
Cut! Okay. At least you’re not bullshitting us. (smiles, louder) You traitorous, slutworthy smut film students. I’ll have your heads in the Whatsamadda U. trophy case yet. (cackles maniacally)
Molly
(Molly grabs the scotch bottle from Monica, takes a long swig, cackles maniacally) Not while the spirit of freedom still beats in the hearts of free film students everywhere! (bares her breasts, blushes, covers up, smiles guiltily)
Frankie
(Snidely Whiplash laugh) Nyah ha ha! But you pervert ladies have no chance while I still wield the Monster Atomic Wiener of Death!
Monica
Never! As queen, I proclaim, “Let them eat cock!”
Vic
Huh?
Brandi
Off with his head!
Molly
Yeah! (Molly, Monica and Carmen lapse into a Three Stooges routine, with slapping and poking and “nyuk-nyuk-nyuk,” etc.) My turn! (Molly grabs the pistol, fires a shot into the air, Vic looks on from the side deadpan.)
Vic
(goes up to Monica and Molly, puts an arm around each of them) You know, ladies …
Monica
That’s wenches to you, buster!
Vic
… wenches, I think we’re maybe gonna make this thing work. You know, you are my people. I don’t know if you two really believe this, well, you really are my people. But …
Monica & Molly
(almost in unison) But?
Vic
Are we your people? I’ve gotta know. I mean, this whole affair has been pretty scary for you two. But …
Molly
But it’s been pretty scary for you as well? Eh?
Vic
(slowly breaks into a big grin) There you go. I was right about you college gals being smart.
Molly
Oh, you smooth-talkin’ devil. Yeah, you’re our people. Monica? (sticks an elbow into Monica’s side)
Monica
(deadpan, eyes darting side to side) Uh, well … yeah, you’re our people.
Molly
Such enthusiasm! C’mon, Monica, you really mean it?
Monica
Sure, I, uh … (stage whisper) But last night …
Molly
(stage whisper) If you could have, would you have done it for me? I’d have done it for you!
Monica
(long pause, takes Molly’s hand, takes Vic’s hand, then emphatically) Fuckin’ A right I mean it. You’re my people! If you’ll have me.
Brandi
Well (Brandi, Carmen, Frankie and Danielle all look at each other, nod) I guess. (winks)
Monica
Then fucking A right! (bares her breasts)
Carmen
(covers Monica’s breasts back up) But you still got a skinny ass. (Monica pouts and then smiles)
Molly
Okay, let’s roll ’em!
Vic
All right, crew! It’s been a long day, but one more take. Should we fall! Positions. Lights. Camera. Action!
Now the actors do their lines with confidence.
Monica (Brandi)
Should we fall, a thousand will rise up to take our place, the call will go out …
Molly (Danielle)
The call will go out that further resistance is hopeless.
Monica (Brandi)
But if we run, the call will still go out — that resistance is hopeless.
Molly (Danielle)
Then we have to fight, dammit! We have to fight!
Assassin (Frankie)
(crashes through a chintzy wall) Nyah ha ha! I’ve got you wenches now!
They fight, Molly wrests the gun from Frankie, fires it at his feet.
Molly (Danielle)
Now, you bastard! Dance! (continues firing at Frankie’s feet, Frankie “dances”) Dance!
All
(chiming in one by one, until they are all shouting) Dance! Dance! The Wiener Dance! The Wiener Dance! The Wiener Dance!
Chanting fades, music rises, The Wiener Dance begins, a giant penis cavorting in front of an American flag, while Ethel Merman belts out “There’s No Business Like Show Business.”
Monica moves to front left of stage. Sees a nun’s habit on a mannequin. Stares at it awhile. Her hand reaches out …
Sound of projector. Lights out.
End
| previous scene |
