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Vic Vincent’s office, Vic is chuckling as he finishes telling a joke to Monica. Projector sound.
Vic
… So the salesman finally says to the farmer, how was I to know your daughter had moved to Nantucket? Nantucket! Get it? (laughs maniacally)
Monica
This is frightening. I actually do get it.
Vic
So what brings you to my parlor without your sidekick?
Monica
There’s something I have to tell you.
Vic
(fake French accent) Ah, mon cherie, not a zingle word, I can zee it in your eyes. You find me irresistible, no?
Monica
I’ll moan your cherry, you pindickular prick!
Vic
Oy vey! What a mouth! So a guy can dream, can’t he? God, you look like you need a stiff one, a drink, I mean. (He takes a bottle of Chivas Regal out of his desk drawer and pours two shot glasses) Chivas Regal. (He downs his shot and pours himself another) Smmoooth! Speaking of smooth come-on lines, by the way, you really do look like shit. Like you didn’t sleep at all last night and you’re ready to kill anything that moves.
Monica
(She examines the drink) Then don’t move. (pause) You mind if I ask you something personal? (Vic gestures with his hands and nods) You ever want revenge?
Vic
What?
Monica
(louder and louder) To be able to walk into an office and rip off people’s arms and legs with your bare hands and stomp on them and burn them and make them roast screaming in hell for ever and ever?
Vic
(very calmly) Well …
Monica
(louder) And watch them beg for mercy as you, as you … as you … (collapses on the desk sobbing)
Vic
My skinny-assed friend, have you had a bad day?
Monica
(looks up, somewhat back in control) Yes. Yes. I’ve had a very bad day. Yesterday morning I had a career and a future. I was a good girl taking a little fling on the wild side, and today I’m thrown out of school, I hang out with losers and my family considers me a disgrace and if that’s not bad enough I’ve got some pervert knocking on my window every damn night and I’m scared silly of being murdered in my bed. Yes, I’ve had a bad day.
Vic
I see, but slow down a minute. What happened? You’re thrown out of school?
Monica
The fucking documentary project is off! In fact, my whole college education is off! My whole damn future is off. I got kicked out of school. For trying to make this goddamn documentary. “Misappropriation of funds,” they called it. Vic, it’s over, and I want to make the SOB’s pay! I was one of them, dammit, I was going to expose you as …
Vic
A low-life whore-mongering pervert. Big deal.
Monica
And they wanted just one more drop of blood than I was able to give, they wanted me to hurt Molly, but I couldn’t, and now it’s all over for …
Vic
Hurt Molly? Worse than trying to sell her into a skin-flick?
Monica
Maybe your heroism is rubbing off on me. Roll the credits. Starring Monica as the idiot from Long Island. Written by Monica the dreamer. Produced by Monica the bitch. Screenplay by Danielle Steele’s retarded sister.
Vic
And no perverts were harmed in the making of this movie.
Monica
And thanks to the small-town biddies of America for making this movie impossible. Stop the cameras. Cut to darkness. And … (begins sobbing quietly)
Vic
Sorry to spoil your schoolgirl drama here, but the camera doesn’t stop even for a foul-mouthed Long Island Barbie as cute as you. Uh, a minute ago you were talking vengeance?
Monica
I wanted to make movies more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life, but now I can never, never … (begins sobbing again)
Vic
In case you hadn’t noticed, I make movies.
Monica
Fuck flicks wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Vic
Well, it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind either, way back when. But things happen, don’t they? You think I never had dreams?
Monica
You?
Vic
Yeah, me. Bold, daring dreams. Lust and adventure and romance. Where no movie-maker has ever gone before. Triple-X Wizard of Oz, Indiana Jones and the Whorehouse of Doom, Socrates and the Seven Dwarfs. Before that, I wanted to grow up to be a cowboy, but things don’t always turn out like you planned. So you wanted to make movies more than anything, eh? Still do?
Monica
Yeah, but not at the price of getting my brains fucked out by the 82nd Airborne. Forget it.
Vic
(Vic stares at her a moment, pours two more drinks, points at Monica, points at her drink, chugs his) Your ass is still too skinny. I do got standards, you know. (points at her drink again)
Monica
(stares at her drink a moment, chugs it) All right, you arrogant little bastard. Just how good are you?
Vic
The ladies haven’t been complaining about me, have they?
Monica
Oh, give me a fucking break. You can’t get your mind out of the gutter for just two minutes?
Vic
No.
Monica
Then to hell with you! (begins to stand up, sits back down) No. How good are you? As a film-maker.
Vic
I don’t make no stinking films. I make movies.
Monica
Well, excuuuuse me! How good a movie-maker are you, then?
Vic
As good as I have to be.
Monica
And if you had to be really good?
Vic
You aren’t getting Socratic on me, are you? But hey, I’m pretty good. Considering the budgets I have to work with. I coulda been a contender, as they say. What’s it to ya, toots?
Monica
I don’t know. The camera isn’t rolling anymore. At least not for me. You know, one thing that’s been bugging me. Since you didn’t really expect Molly and me to, well, put out, why did you agree to do this project with us?
Vic
Cuz you got resources. You got connections. You got legitimacy. You know the hoity-toity nose-in-the-air scene. You got stuff I could never get close to on my own. You could be my key to busting out of this joint …
Monica
And now I have, I mean, uh, now I got nuttin’.
Vic
You were asking how good I am. How come?
Monica
Well … No. This is crazy, but I thought … no, it could never work. It’s just … naaah.
Vic
Maybe you’re not drunk enough. (pours Monica another drink, she takes a sip) You got a wooden leg or what?
Monica
An old college girl trick, get laid and then blame it on the booze to maintain your virginal self-image. But this is even worse.
Vic
Yeah?
Monica
Okay. Geronimo! (chugs her drink, pauses, leans her chin on her hands, elbows on table, stares at Vic) See, Molly and I got this film, me and Monica, this movie, I mean. And I’ve got this idea. (Vic moves his hand in a circle to indicate “continue”) Yeah. We’ve got this documentary stuff. I mean, some of it’s really good. But it’s just talking head stuff. And nobody pays to go see a documentary, and for Public Broadcasting, well, it’s just too raw. Not the right academic trappings.
Vic
In other words, it’s too filthy for a documentary, but nobody gets fucked or shot or blown up so no normal people would want to watch it. Does that sum it up?
Monica
That’s not what I meant. It just that … I mean … well, yeah, that’s exactly what I meant.
Vic
So whaddya want? Me to add some scenes with people getting fucked and shot and blown up?
Monica
Could you?
Vic
It could be arranged.
Monica
But also meaningful!
Vic
Meaningful.
Monica
You know, exploring conflicts surrounding patriarchy and sexual repression and the yearning of the artistic spirit to be free. And, and …
Vic
And people getting fucked and shot and blown up.
Monica
You’re making fun of me again.
Vic
(pours her another drink, which she sips gingerly) And starring two horny but basically pure-of-heart coeds …
Monica
Groan. Well, maybe. Maybe. (pause)
Vic
And what’s in it for me?
Monica
A chance to truly express your …
Vic
Oh god, I think I’m about to puke.
Monica
(pause, then shouting) Then how about revenge? Those people who hurt you, spit in their eye. You’re not such a little guy anymore. Fuck their system! Get some fucking revenge!
Vic
(shouts back) Ms. Hoity-Toity, you know nothing about hurt. You know nothing about revenge! (quietly) I’ve had my revenge.
Monica
(pause, quietly) Then what do you want? Vic, you never did gave us a straight answer when we asked why you were doing this thing with us. I think your “connections and resources” line is utter bullshit. But I’m starting to think, somehow, I don’t know how, somehow we’ve gotten to you. You want something, something you can’t get doing the same old shit. Well, go for it! Go for it! We can do something new!
Vic
Like what?
Monica
I don’t know. Behind the Dean’s Door? Socrates Does Dallas? I don’t know. We’d have to bang out a script.
Vic
And fuck the point system? Fuck with everybody’s heads? Could be fun. A lot of work.
Monica
And we can have …
Vic
But my dear, I operate under certain major constraints.
Monica
Yeah? Suppose someone had, as a great scholar once put it, “Resources. Connections. Legitimacy. You know, the hoity-toity nose-in-the-air scene”? And your stuff is cheap, right? Inexpensive, I mean.
Vic
No offense taken.
Monica
But could your people do this kind of thing? Are they good enough.
Vic
Good enough? You college types crank out some stupid shit and call it avant-garde, and that makes it art! Good enough isn’t an issue.
Monica
Sorry.
Vic
But what we really need is some celebrities to promote this. Gee, where could we find some celebrities? (looks up, his hands clasped in prayer) Oh well …
Monica
I hadn’t thought … (pause)
Vic
Dearest Monica, if you want to make it in this business, you’ve gotta learn to pick up your cues. We really need some celebrities to promote this. Some celebrities? Eh? (pause) You, dammit! You and Molly. Martyrs of the avant-garde. Champions of the underdog. Victims of the sexually dysfunctional repressive imperialist system. Didn’t any of this occur to you? For a few months, you’re a gold mine.
Monica
But that would be so, so … tacky.
Vic
(angry) Compared to your two-bit docu-dreck? Okay. You’ve sold me. But as they say, be careful what you ask for. So no more tease! We make a movie. I give you actors and crew. You give me your film. You give me your soul. Got it? I’m about to misappropriate the resources of some very nasty people. People almost as nasty as me. I don’t need some flighty bitches that might run out if things get, what did you say, tacky. (pause) Good lord, you two are the ones my mother warned me about.
Monica
Wait a minute, what if …
Vic
No wait a minute, Ms. “I wanted to make movies more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life.” You talked me into this. I’ll handle my colleagues. You’re right, I’m not such a little guy anymore. Okay. Tomorrow we assemble the crew and get this thing rolling.
Monica
Oh god. … Okay. … One thing. Pending Molly’s agreeing to do this.
Vic
I’ll worry about Molly. You can’t say you’ve been her best guardian, you know.
Monica
One thing. You give us jobs. Behind the camera, not in front.
Vic
Your ass is still too skinny to be in front. Consider it done. You are now in the business of making movies.
Monica
Well. (downs the rest of her drink) To celebrate this most historic moment, could you pour us a couple more stiff ones?
Vic
I thought you’d never ask. One more thing. You said there was some pervert knocking on your window?
Monica
Well, yes …
Vic
Tell me more.
Vic pours another pair of drinks, which this time they leave on the desk. Sound of projector. End of scene.
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