So on one of the Food Network’s innumerable competitions (Next Food Network Star, Chomped, Ironic Chef, etc.), someone like Alton Brown says “go!” and all the contenders start running for their ingredients or weapons or whatever they’re running for. They save at least 1.6 seconds, piling onto each other like frenzied shoppers at a Walmart sale right before the hurricane. My favorite is when someone goes into a full slide with a pan full of bubbling stock.<\/p>\n
What’s the deal?<\/p>\n
It’s the new food ethic. Doesn’t matter if you know a sweet red pepper from a habanero, doesn’t mean you can’t burn your dish to a nice little crisp. No, the important thing is that you do a Jesse Owens or a Jackie Joyner, and show your willingness to trample your neighbor into the floor. Now when I go into the kitchen for a ham sandwich, I run up to the refrigerator, slide to the door, and throw the ham onto the table. Then I take out my samurai sword, toss the meat into the air, and slice it to bits. Used to be that I’d get one awful hack per toss, but now I can get three cuts each time, enough for my sandwich.<\/p>\n
I no longer waste time with frying pans. It’s quicker to hold the slices in my hands and thrust them directly into the flames. Since I’m a real man, I don’t mind the time in the hospital, and I love the extra flavor. This is good eats at its best.<\/p>\n
Once I’ve recovered, I’m going to the zoo, open the warthog cage, and kill one with my bare hands. It’ll taste better that way. And so will I.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So on one of the Food Network’s innumerable competitions (Next Food Network Star, Chomped, Ironic Chef, etc.), someone like Alton Brown says “go!” and all the contenders start running for their ingredients or weapons or whatever they’re running for. They … Continue reading